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Fear is choking us. Two current songs on Christian radio call out fear as the monster it can be. In one, singer Zach Williams sings: Fear, he is a liar He will rob your rest Steal your happiness Cast your fear in the fire ‘Cause fear, he is a liar In another song, singer Francesca Battistelli declares she’s breaking up with someone and doesn’t have room in her life anymore for him (spoiler alert: it’s fear). Fear is a struggle for everyone. At times I feel overwhelmed by life. This is often short-lived, but my typical can-do spirit occasionally weighs down as the day glides by. Guilt accompanies these feelings. Collective parts of my life are made up from aspects which many people crave: security, a supportive network of family, friends and faith communities, health, and relative wealth compared to the rest of the world. But fear happens anyways. For others, it’s much worse. I have friends who suffer from extreme anxiety and living in the United States, it seems to be a special problem here. The National Alliance on Mental Illness reports anxiety disorders take up the number one spot for mental health conditions in the United States, accounting for nearly one in five American adults. That’s huge. Some people’s anxiety levels may not reach diagnostic standards, but a pulsing sense of dread and worry follows them around like a cloud all the same. I believe the emergence of social media has created a bubble of despair that creates an easy pit we can fall down into. So much of the world’s tragedies are now accessible at the touch and swipe of a button or screen. As a recovering news junkie myself, I used to subscribe to CNN notifications, which popped up on my smartphone any time a national news event occurred. Needless to say, I eventually deleted my news text alerts – the constant drum of negativity first thing each morning as I picked up my smartphone was not healthy. Fear is undoubtedly a preferred tool from the devil, used to prevent God’s kingdom from flourishing and God’s peace and justice from flowing. So what to do? As a believer in Christ, my primary drive should be toward Him. There are ways to diminish fear, but God must be our focus. Say It Out Loud Speak your favorite fear-conquering Bible verse out loud, along with some affirmations. Paul writes in 2 Timothy 1:7,”For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.” Psalm 56:3-4 is another powerful verse to say aloud. Name it and claim it! Another technique involving vocalization is to stand in front of your mirror and try saying aloud some positive affirmations to yourself. You may feel silly, but who cares? “I am strong, beautiful and capable because I am a child of God” works for me. Stop watching TV You know what I am talking about, and it ain’t anything narrated by David Attenborough. We are living in the Golden Age of television narratives, featuring complex characters and deep storytelling. But binging long-form R-rated dramas on Netflix for hours on Sunday can set the stage for anxious thoughts. I’ve abandoned shows like Mad Men and House of Cards because it was affecting my sleep. If your guilty pleasure is more of the sugar pop fluff variety—here’s looking at you, Bravo and E!—you may begin to experience anxiety that comes due to comparing yourself with the edited, glamorous lives marketed through them. Speaking of the ‘Gram… Okay, some scrolling can be harmless. But if you are finding thoughts of comparison creep up into your brain as you scroll or if you can’t enjoy your vacation because you need the perfect angle at the perfect spot, this is low-key setting you up for some bad anxiety. Be present in the moment, and realize perfection is boring. Reach out to a Professional Yes, sometimes anxiety reaches the point where it’s time to talk to someone. That’s okay – think of it as an investment that will set a foundation for the rest of your life. Call your local church for suggestions and if that makes you uncomfortable, Psychology Today allows you to search specifically for Christian therapists as part of their directory of counselors in your area. What’s your tried and true way to beat back anxious thoughts? I’d love to hear them because we are all in this together. Email me at sarahruf@yahoo.com. For more fear-busting power verses, check out these promises from Soul Shepherding in their Fear Not series.

What if everything you thought you know about Adventism was wrong? Marco Torres was in a really dark place when he embarked on the journey leading to his book Why is Adventism so Weird? A theology major newly diagnosed with generalized anxiety, he was desperately wondering if he was doing enough of whatever he had to do to add to Jesus’ gracious gift of salvation. Of course, he knew that we aren’t saved by works. That’s heresy. Yet, somehow it didn’t compute. Didn’t he have to keep the Sabbath enough, read the Bible enough, eat healthy enough? Wasn’t that part of being a good Adventist and gaining eternal life? As he journeys to make sense of his faith community, Torres is shocked to find out that Adventism is not a whole lot different from our other Protestant counterparts. We come from the same roots. Then, there’s a plot twist. There’s an element to Adventism that is unique.  He gets overwhelmingly excited about the narrative making Adventism so weird. And it isn’t haystacks or fake coffee. Torres spoke to The Haystack about his book, the dark place that led to its creation, and how he wants to get the local church excited about their “weird story.” This interview has been edited for length and clarity. Interview Highlights On The Dark Place That Catapulted Him Into His Search For Meaning In Adventism: Why do I feel this way? Where does this belief structure come from? Why is it affecting me so strongly in a negative sense? I was at Southern Adventist University at the time –studying to be a pastor—while I was going through this stuff. And I remember walking into the library one day and I say this book on the bookshelf in the religion section and the title of the book was: My Tortured Conscience by Martin Weber. And I remember seeing that book and thinking that is myself: That encapsulates everything I am going through at that moment. So, I read it…. That was the point where I really started exploring. Because I wanted to know, why do I feel this way? Where does this belief structure come from? Why is it affecting me so strongly in a negative sense?” And I dug in and read. It was one of those things where I felt I either will come out loving the church more or I am done. There wasn’t any in between. On His Soul-Searching Journey: When I came into this experience, the only reason that any of this became remotely interesting to me was that I was in so much pain and I had to figure it out. I went into history. I studied the history of the narrative regarding the understanding of salvation in our church and I began to find answers that made a lot of sense to me… When I started finding these other answers, and this beautiful Jesus, and this grace, and this acceptance, and forgiveness, and assurance. I loved it, but there was a part of me that said, “Yeah, but that’s not really Adventism.” So for me, it was like “if it’s not, then I’ve gotta go.” But what if it is? Who is really saying that it is not? So I started reading history and studying the history of our church. I studied the way our thoughts developed. That’s when I started to see that the theological paradigm I thought was “true Adventism” was actually the false one. That really opened the door for me. I would go to the library at Southern and I would literally check out 10-15 books at a time. Then I would come back and check out another 10-15 books. I was reading way more stuff than what I had to read for school. This had nothing to do with school. On The Adventist Paradigm He Left: Salvation was about what Jesus did, plus what I do. The first part of the paradigm was this idea of perfectionism. I was caught in that sort of idea. What that meant for me was that salvation was all about what Jesus did—plus what I do. If I could add my own behavior, and my own obedience to what Jesus had done, it would ultimately qualify me for eternal life –for salvation, acceptance with God. Nobody said those words to me. Nobody ever said, “Hey, salvation is what you do plus Jesus.” But it was just the way that my brain summarized everything that I had been taught. There was this idea that basically went, “Hey, the judgment is going on right now, and you need to make sure your behavior is on point.” I was smart enough to know that we are not saved by works. We are saved by Jesus. But what I was tricked into believing was that it is Jesus, plus me. So what you get is basically a baptized version of legalism. Subconsciously over the years, with that “plus me” mentality you always wondered, “is my “plus me” enough?” The second sort of theme that was really prevalent in my experience is what I have now come to discover as Eurocentrism. It’s a big word. It’s a boring word. The idea is that there is a particular picture of holiness. What Eurocentrism is basically saying is that in order for you to be a good, righteous Seventh-day Adventist, you have to look like a European, and you have to dress like a European, and you have to listen to European music. Old-school music like Victorian music. And look, I am Latin. So, I always struggled with that. On Why Adventism Is So Unique: Adventism gives us something that you can’t find elsewhere. As I explored and journeyed I realized there are three stories within the Christian Protestant/Evangelical faith, and they don’t agree. Let me quickly explain two of them. The first one is probably the oldest one. This story starts with the idea that God is super powerful, and everything builds from that. However, this story ended up evolving into the idea that God is so powerful that everything on the planet happens because he causes it to happen. And with that, there is absolutely [no element of free will]. None whatsoever. The second story says “no, no that sounds more like the Devil than the Jesus that we know.” The second story starts with the concept of the love of God and how we are going to understand God through His love. But the young people who are growing up in those churches want to understand a few things. “What does this concept mean in the Old Testament?” They want to understand this along with how their faith impacts issues related to social justice and economics and politics. The “God is love” folk just don’t have an answer to those questions. All they know is “God loves you.” That’s literally the only thing they know. They can’t explain the Bible cover to cover. And then what happens is all these kids are going over to the “God is power” story because at least they have answers to their questions. What I discovered, is that Adventism is actually right smack in the middle of these ideas. Adventism is the only theological system that has ever developed in Christian history that has a beautiful picture of God and a deep theology at the same time. So in the book, I explain how that developed. On How His New Picture Of Adventism Affect Ministry: Focus and inclusivity. Inclusivity is a big one. Now I can actually sit down and listen to someone. Listen not to respond, but listen to actually listen and build relationships. Secondly, the new picture just helps me focus. I discovered in the previous mindset you end up majoring in minors. You never actually get to meaningful things that matter. I’ll give you a quick example. In this sort of mindset there are the hot topics that people love to talk about. For example they talk about worldliness is coming into the church.  What did it mean that worldliness coming into the church? It meant the music was changing. They are bringing drums in. Or women are wearing too much jewelry. That’s what it meant for worldliness to come into the church. None of these conversations said anything about racism in the church. They never said anything about sexism in the church. None of the really big issues were addressed. The adjusted picture of Adventism helps me focus on what is really important. On Inspiring Adventist Influencers: If I pulled “Adventism” out of the bookshelf, would it have anything compelling to say that none of the other books have said? That’s a question I wrestle with the most. The book I wrote is a small contribution to the conversation. I think there’s an element of education that we need to have. Imagine a large bookcase full of books and every single one of those books contains a story that answers the deepest existential questions of the human experience. You go up to the bookcase, and you realize they are novels –narratives, stories, each telling a different story. As each one tells a story it answers existential questions from differing perspectives.  Stories from a Muslim perspective, another one from a Buddhist perspective, another one from a Scientology perspective. There are all of these different perspectives and they are all on this book shelf. There’s a whole section for Christianity, and of course you’ve got all your diverse denominations and their various novels. But in that bunch of books you find a book titled “Adventism.” So this is what I ask people: “If I pulled that book out of the shelf, would it have anything compelling to say that none of the other books have already said?” If it doesn’t then all we’ve done in our existence is just add to the complication of people in their search for meaning, right? We haven’t actually contributed to the conversation, we’ve just added to the overwhelming volume of ideas that are out there. Even then, we haven’t added anything compelling. And I feel like that’s the headspace that most people in church are in. But if there was something that the book said that was significantly more inspiring and compelling than what every other book is saying then I would be standing at that bookcase saying, “You’ve got to read this one right here. Grab all the books you want, but don’t miss this one right here. This one will blow your mind.” We need to get in that headspace.  And I think that comes from thinking, “Okay, what is our story? How does it fit into the human experience? How did it develop historically? This weird, sort of unique take on how God is and what he is like. That’s a big part of it. If we get that inspiration, we can look at strategies and structures [with which we can get] this story out there but first we got to get excited about it. That’s part of my call. Let’s get our creativity together. Let’s get our musicians and our thinkers and our innovators and let just communicate this story with passion and let’s build on it because it is so overwhelming when you realize that my faith tradition is the only place that you can go in the world where you can get a full, biblical picture of the love of God. That’s huge because we actually have a reason to exist. From Genesis to Revelation, through every page, we are interpreting it through this love of God concept and it gives us this complete picture of His character that you can’t find elsewhere.

There’s a renaissance afoot in the church unbeknownst to many. As Gil Scott-Heron once said, “The revolution will not be televised” - but it will be available on the internet. This is a revolution of skillful art that effectively communicates God’s character through mediums such as paintings (Leonardo da Vinci’s “Last Supper,” Michelangelo’s “Sistine Chapel”), music, (Handel’s “Messiah,” Jennifer Jill’s, “The Lamb Wins”), video (The Bible Project YouTube channel, Patsy Arrabito’s Hell and Mr. Fudge) and recently, The Conflict Beautiful, a redesign of The Conflict the of Ages book series by Ellen White. The Conflict of the Ages series is unparalleled in its communication of the origins, history and climax of the conflict between Christ and Satan. We’re talking about sublime commentary on the Biblical narrative with layers upon layers of depth. This five book series, which begins and ends with the words, “God is love,” has a literary structure that is just recently being recognized for its aesthetic beauty by scholars like Ron Du Preez and Mike Oxententko. Such scholars must be howling like wolves as they uncover endless chiasms and other forms of parallelism on the micro and macro levels, which help readers to more deeply “understand her intended meaning in her writings.” The artists behind the elegant reworking of this literary classic are the team at The Types & Symbols design studio. They have redesigned the Conflict of the Ages series and appropriately titled it, “The Conflict Beautiful.” I had the chance to have a conversation with Mark Cook, the leader of this new project who had some powerful things to share about the importance of good design in the church. Mark: Good design creates an authentic alignment between the value of the content and how that content is presented. As Marshall McLuhan famously said, “the medium is the message.” So as a church, we need to be asking ourselves—how valuable is our content, and is that value being communicated through design, materials, and craftsmanship? To illustrate this relationship, think back to one of the best sermons you’ve ever heard. Now imagine that same sermon delivered in a flat, monotone affect. The content is exactly the same in both scenarios, but how the message is presented significantly impacts how it’s received, the value it has to the recipient, and the likelihood that they will share it with someone else. The Seventh-day Adventist church has a built-in audience for many of the materials created (e.g. a well-designed Sabbath School lesson will have the same distribution as a poorly designed one), so it’s sometimes difficult to justify the investment of time and resources into making something remarkable. But that’s only because we’re using the wrong metric to determine the return on investment. It’s not about the bottom line, it’s about the responsibility we have to create an alignment between the value of our message, and the value someone perceives when they receive it. We’ve been entrusted with sharing the Good News, let’s make sure that’s reflected in good design. This tradition of creating beautiful God-centered art with intentional craftsmanship began with God Himself. The first text of the Bible reveals to us that God is creative. “In the beginning, God created…” We see that regardless of the cost and sacrifice, the end result and beauty of creation and resulting relationships are worth it. The cost and resources involved in this project are hundreds of hours of unpaid work and a fundraising campaign that, if successful, will merely result in breaking even on the cost of publishing the books. I reserved my copy of The Conflict Beautiful on Kickstarter because I believe that art, beauty and God go together. I believe that the books I read about God should reflect His beauty and thoughtfulness through superb design. Regardless of what I believe, if the goal for The Conflict Beautiful Kickstarter isn’t reached by November 15, it will not happen. Because of the nature of how Kickstarter works, it’s all or nothing and there are only a few days left. Come and see The Conflict Beautiful here. https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/typesandsymbols/the-conflict-beautiful/

A friend of mine recently shared a quote on Facebook that he’d heard in a sermon, “Your levels of anxiety are an indicator of how far you are from God,” and that couldn’t have frustrated me more. The Adventist Church is traditionally conservative in several areas: music, attire, and culture. There are even several forums and articles debating the pros and cons of whether or not drums should be allowed in worship services. If the church struggles with instruments in service, how much more would the church struggle to accept the concept of psychology? One of the main aversions many church members have is the idea that counseling, and more broadly psychology as a whole, should be disregarded because it was developed by atheists (Freud, Rogers, Maslow, etc.). While this is true, the idea that because something was not invented by Christians means we can’t use it or integrate it within the church is mind-blowing. If speakers and sound systems were invented by atheists, would we deny their effectiveness? Or if a certain vaccine or medication was developed by a Muslim, would we refuse treatment? Do any of us background check the musicians on the radio before hitting play? The idea that something must be Christian to be used is simply a barrier many members of the church put up to dismiss things they do not wish to understand. The truth is, the conversation about mental health and its importance are more and more frequently talked about, and while pastors are positioned to shepherd their flock, they unknowingly do their members a disservice associating mental health matters with closeness to God. There are many different reasons that people experience anxiety, depression, and even schizophrenic episodes, but dismissing life struggles, interpersonal relationship issues, and sometimes the need for medication to simply not praying enough does immensely more harm than good. Prayer and a relationship with God are essential, and God may place some anxiety on your heart for something He has planned in your life, but that is not the only reason you may be feeling anxiety. Diluting the struggles with complex issues that people face to simply not praying enough does nothing but discourage people from coming to God. Pastors, those who dedicate their life to doing the work God has placed them to do, struggle with mental health more than church culture would let them say. Christianity Today International surveyed pastors regarding mental health, and found that, “23% of pastors indicated they had battled a mental illness of some kind on a personal level, including 12% who said it was formally diagnosed.” If those who God has called to speak His words to congregations, baptize believers, and help bring new believers to His flock struggle with mental health, then the idea that closeness to God equates fewer mental health issues is a non sequitur. A 2013 LifeWay survey found that 48% of Christians believed that those with serious mental illness like depression, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia could be overcome by Bible study and prayer alone. The idea that the relationship one has with God should cure all mental health illnesses is dangerous, and could very well shame those who need services out of pursuing them. One misconception among church members is that psychology cannot fit inside of the church, when in reality it was and has been developed to be incorporated by any church, faith, race, or nationality. Some members believe that only seeing Christian mental health professionals is the only way to seek out services, but all counselors are trained to operate within the framework and understanding of the clients who see them, be they Muslim, atheist, or Christian. Even our founder Ellen White wrote that in treatment of any and all diseases, the mind cannot be overlooked, due to its importance in the overall health of the person. One thing that I’ve noticed is that those who are most adamantly against the benefits that mental health has to offer, are those who could benefit from it. In the poem Please Hear What I’m Not Saying, Charles Finn speaks as those who wish to say something, but for reasons around him such as people, status quo, or unspoken rules, he speaks out in the ways he can’t, or that he may not even know he is speaking out: “Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying, what I'd like to be able to say, what for survival I need to say, but what I can't say.” Mental health is disregarded by many church members because they don’t understand it, and that’s okay, we can’t expect every member to automatically understand concepts they’re unfamiliar with, or have been told all their lives that they’re corrupt. But what is essential in the body of Christ is a spirit of openness, understanding, and willingness to learn new things that benefit the person as a whole. Mental health is on a long list of issues that the corporate church struggles with, including feminism, social justice, and homosexuality. Perhaps the church should move from an entirely doctrinal focus, towards a more social oriented focus. We are to be a place where broken, hurting people (which includes ourselves, and I think we forget that) are supposed to be able to come, be understood, and present themselves to Christ without fear of judgment, prejudice, or discrimination. As Jefferson Bethke said in his spoken word, Why I Hate Religion, But I Love Jesus, “church isn’t a museum for good people, it’s a hospital for the broken.” We are all broken people, and just because someone struggles with a different issue than us, or simply looks, acts, or has different views on issues than us, gives us no right to pretend that we aren’t just as broken and sinful as they are. If we, even for a moment believe that we’re better than our neighbor, then we think we need that much less Jesus than our neighbor. Because when we think we’re even a little bit higher than they are, that’s how much less we’re saying we need grace.

Note: I fully affirm the divine calling of the church, but realize that it is an imperfect representation of Christ. In a changing and complex world tension naturally arises. This series will explore how to live within this tension. The previous entry provides context for this one. You can read it here. “I would love to get fired for that.” Most people collect things like coins, media, or stamps. I collect ordinations. I have several. I couldn’t even tell you where most came from without looking at them. If there is a place offering free and open ordination I sign up for it. I did pay ten dollars for one of them when I was asked to officiate a wedding in a state that didn’t like any of my free ones. I know it’s strange, but it’s something to do since I can’t get the one ordination I want. It’s not for lack of trying, but we don’t currently offer an ordination track for Bible teachers. For a long time, this frustrated and disappointed me, until one day I sat at a crossroads. We had just concluded a week of prayer at our school where fifty students made a commitment to be baptized. In our team, two of us were ordained as local elders, and two of us were not. We had a local pastor offer to come help, but fifty is a lot to baptize, and the elders really weren’t supposed to do it outside of their church. We met to discuss the logistics of our dilemma, when one teacher finally spoke up and said, “I’m going to baptize these kids.” While I was with him in spirit, I felt compelled to address the elephant in the room. I replied, “What if you get in trouble? What if someone comes for your job?” His response? “I would love to get fired for that.” I had to admit he had a point. I mean, isn’t bringing kids to accept Jesus and be baptized sort of the point for those in ministry? If someone asked you why you got fired, could you think of a better response than “I baptized some of my students”? In the end, there were seven of us there baptizing kids. We told them ahead of time that they wouldn’t become members of the church, and they would have to go to their church to make a profession of faith. We didn’t want to discourage their decision, but we needed them to understand that being baptized by a collection of teachers, youth pastors, and deans wasn’t how things were done in the policy books. It would be a little different. In the end, the kids didn’t care about our paperwork not being in order, and neither did anyone else. Would I have loved to do things more by the book? Sure! Was I going to let some paperwork stop these young people from accepting Christ’s call to baptism? Not a chance. Concerning Food Sacrificed to Idols I don’t take violating church policy lightly. Especially since the church is also my employer. Policy is wonderful…as long as it's your servant and not your master. Before we go running off and recreating the days of the judges by doing what is right in our own eyes, let’s explore Acts 15 and Jerusalem. If you've read the previous part of this series, we discussed how Acts 15 was a monumental decision in the church’s history. They ignored years of tradition and scripture when they decided not to require circumcision to join this new Jesus movement. Instead, they said people simply needed to follow a few basic guidelines. The rest was open for different groups to practice as they saw fit. One of these essential guidelines was about food sacrificed to idols. Acts 15:28-29 says this about the decision: "It seemed good to the Holy Spirit and to us not to burden you with anything beyond the following requirements: You are to abstain from food sacrificed to idols, from blood, from the meat of strangled animals and from sexual immorality. You will do well to avoid these things." There is an implied "accepting Jesus as their savior" in this, but otherwise, the requirements are few. With the decision made, they send disciples out all over the region with this new and monumental decision. Order has been restored to the church, and all they had to do was discard thousands of years of tradition and divine instruction from God. One of the people who was part of this deciding group, and who took this message out to the Gentiles, was Paul. Sometime after the Jerusalem council, Paul started a church in Corinth. Then, he left to plant churches elsewhere. Some problems popped up in Corinth while Paul was away, so he wrote to them to clarify things. In chapter 8, he says something that would probably get him placed on a compliance committee agenda these days. He tells the church in Corinth that they all know “an idol is nothing at all in the world” and “there is no God but one.” In other words, Paul is telling them there aren’t actually any other gods besides their God, so an idol is meaningless. He then releases them to eat the food sacrificed to idols, but he does so with a huge, important caveat. Although they know better about idols and can eat whatever food they want, Paul cautions them against doing this in front of people who are new or immature in their faith. He doesn’t want someone who thinks this is a big problem to see them doing it and have their conscience wounded. He says to cause these brothers and sisters to stumble is to sin against Christ. If you are connecting the dots, Paul—who was part of the Jerusalem council—is telling the church in Corinth they don’t have to follow the Jerusalem Council’s decision on eating food sacrificed to idols. It wasn’t enough for Paul to undo years of tradition and go away from God’s command, but now he wants them to ignore the will of the church too?! Or does he? It seemed good to the Holy Spirit and to us When we look at the context of this church decision, we see more than deciding on particular behaviors; they are deciding on a philosophy. It's a philosophy that says first and foremost, the church will follow the leading of the Holy Spirit. Secondly, this philosophy says the goal is to reduce the barriers of entry as much as possible. You don’t need to get circumcised, or participate in the Jewish feasts, but you do need to do a few of these basic things. As the church continues to grow and change, Paul is growing and changing alongside them. Those who have developed a strong faith are so far removed from their days of worshiping other gods and they can clearly see that sacrificed food is just food. They don’t need to be troubled by eating it, because their faith is secure in the one God they serve. For these people, Paul says eating food sacrificed to idols is no big deal. He knows, however, there are still people out there who will find this act a big deal. They are new to the faith, and worshiping idols is fresh in their history. When dining with these people, Paul says not to eat the sacrificed food. Why? Because it would cause a barrier to go up, and they would question their faith. For the new convert, the Acts 15 decision is helpful. For the longstanding church member with strong faith, it's not so important. In ignoring the specifics of the church’s ruling, Paul is actually affirming the guiding principles. He is removing any barrier between the people and Jesus. This is why I decided to baptize the students, even though I didn't have a piece of paper granting me permission to do so. Policy and ordination has its purpose, but in moments when the decisions of the church put up barriers between people and Jesus, those barriers must be put aside. I don’t say this lightly, but I look back on that day and I can firmly say: It seemed good to the Holy Spirit and to us. If the church is called to be the body of Christ, then following Jesus and following the church should be the same thing. Occasionally we encounter some conflict. The world is a complex and changing place. In those moments, we would do well to remember these words tucked between all the advice about food: “There is but one Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom all things came and through whom we live.” If we can live through Jesus we will always be doing the work of the church, even when we are going against what the church has said.

At what point does walking along a cliff edge cease to be adventurous and begin to be dangerous? This is the question I have been wrestling with over the past few weeks. It came up after a conversation I had about a work trip. I was going to spend a couple of days in a small town in North-East Australia and had a free evening. I knew a couple of people who had lived up there for a few years, so I asked them what I should do. The town is on the coast and so, being one who is quite fond of the froth, I asked what good beaches there are in the area. They started listing off a few spots and then ended by saying “but if you swim, you will die.” She explained to me that if the crocodiles don’t get you, the box jellyfish will (yet another example of Australia’s charm). The problem is, a part of me still wanted to give it a shot. And I’m not crazy, though I presume that’s a claim made by most crazy people. But even though I know it’s stupid to do, a part of me wants to learn for myself. This thought was quickly stamped out by the man at the car hire place who told me about a girl who had lost her leg from a crocodile attack the day before I had arrived. So, no swimming for me. You might be thinking, what’s the point? My point is, this desire to test the waters, push the boundaries, live life on the edge, or whatever you want to call it, has permeated my personal faith journey. From my experience, Adventists have a tendency to be a tad legalistic with some things, which made me and my friends compete over who could get the closest to breaking a ‘rule’ without actually doing it. Think, the scene from Finding Nemo where the young fish see who can get closest to touching the boat. I don’t know if my friends and I did this because we are guys and had something to prove. Or if we wanted to rebel against the system. Or if we were just bored. But what I do know is that I am not alone in this experience. I think that our sixth sense for knowing right and wrong has bred dangerously daring young people. Perhaps we have placed such an emphasis on what doing wrong looks like that we have not given ourselves any clear goals to aim for in our own walk with God. As long as we don’t do the wrong thing, we’re all good, right? It doesn’t matter how close we get to breaking the ‘rules’, because as long as they remain intact, there’s not a problem. Can you see the issue here? We may be encouraging our young people to walk on the cliff-edges of sin rather than staying well away from the edge. Curiosity often gets the best of those who aren’t sure whether it is worth aiming a particular ideal. And this is not the fault of past generations. Perhaps the most powerful argument for the Gospel is someone who acts, dresses, and has grown up like you, and lives in such as way that God looks good on them. But this doesn’t just have to be about our faith. I’m a pastor, so that is naturally where my mind goes. But this same principle applies to our relationships, our work or study, and even to our health. It doesn’t make sense for someone who is valued by God to live on the edge. You wouldn’t carry a massive diamond on the edge of a cliff. You’d get as far away from that cliff as possible because you want to make sure you’re protecting the valuable thing. That is how I think God sees things when we push the envelope. He sees us—His creation whom He values so much—in danger, and He desperately wants us to get away from the things that can hurt us. But He gives us the freedom to choose how close to the edge we go. I want to be clear that I am not advocating for cotton wool to be wrapped around everyone because I firmly believe that comfort is not an ingredient for spiritual growth. In fact, I am a strong advocate for intentional discomfort for the purpose of stretching and growing oneself. I think faithful stewardship means that we respond to the value God places on us not by flirting with wrongdoing, but by intentionally striding in the purpose He has placed on our lives.

It would be hard to find a Saturday in which you haven’t heard these words within the church. What words, you may ask? “Many youth are leaving the church! We must find a way to help them stay” Many preachers, elders, youth leaders etc have uttered these words with passion, perplexity, & sadness. I know what you’re thinking; “C’mon, We’ve seen the statistics, read the articles, & sought the solutions. I’m tired about talking about this subject.” but I have a confession. This has very little to do with those that are “leaving” but rather those that have “stayed” and if you’re wondering why I’m placing sarcastic quotation marks over the word stayed, when it was perfectly fine over leaving, I’m going to explain why. Most of you are familiar with a screenplay; it’s the guiding narrative force of any film. The elements of a screenplay are simplistic at best: Setting, Characters, Event, & Controlling Idea. If we get a little more in depth the questions you should always ask yourself within the context of a screenplay is Who is the main character? (Character) What problem does my character need to solve? (Problem)What goal is my character pursuing? (Event)What obstacles does he/she face? (Escalation)What failure occurs? (Turn)What does the character learn from the failure? (Climax) Admittedly this is a very simplistic breakdown of what a screenplay/story consists of but for the purposes of this article it’ll do just fine because these are points that are vital for your “main character” to go through to be able to grow and reach a point of realization he wasn’t privy to in the beginning of the story. What does any of this have to do with people leaving the church? *bear with me* The story of the prodigal son is famously repeated story within the ranks of Christian sermons. It has all the classic points; redemption, enough allegory to shade the youth, healthy structure to admonish the adults, emotional enough to make a calling & relevant enough to touch home. It’s also used time and time again as a example of those who leave the church only to realize the grass isn't greener on the other side.  If the prodigal son was a film then the main character being the “prodigal son” would follow all the necessary beats for growth in a protagonist Who is the main character? Prodigal son What problem does he need to solve? His character What goal is he pursuing? Freedom What obstacle does he face? Loss of wealth, friends, freedom What failure occurs? He ends up worse off than when he started What does the character learn from the failure? Humility As you see, in the story of the prodigal son the main character follows all the beats necessary for your character to grow but now patient reader we reach the point to all of this. There is a character within the story of the prodigal son who doesn’t get talked about as much, a character that while minor at best is integral to the point of the article. Who is this character? The one that stayed. The brother. Yes; the one who didn’t leave the church, the one who didn’t “lose” himself, the one who followed the rules, respected his father, the one who did his honest part, the good Christian, the one that stayed. What was the reaction of the brother when his lost brother returned with pomp and circumstance? It was one of jealousy & resentment. Now if we place the brother through the same examination of what a character must go through for growth that we did for the prodigal son do we arrive at the same place? Try it. Problem? Goal? Obstacle? Failure? Lesson? While many of you probably were able to answer some of those questions there is something missing. The brother stayed in hope that his good deeds entitled him. He didn’t have a problem, he didn’t have an obstacle, his failure never became a lesson, in fact we don’t even have a clear picture of what his goal ever truly was. The same can be said for those who stay in the church based off tradition & self righteousness as opposed to conviction & self-awareness. Many within the church stay not because they are convinced but because they are entitled. They, like the brother, feel as though “doing the right thing” makes them more worthy than those that haven’t. Many times I’ve seen “spiritual” people look down on those who openly struggle with their sins while completely forgetting their personal need for savior and their state as a sinner like the brother they forget that the focus is to restore not simply to maintain. For all the ones who stayed behind; don’t forget to continue to understand that staying in church doesn’t equate to growing in Christ. Recognize your problems, set your goals on Christ, understand we all have obstacles, don’t hide your failures, and don’t just teach lessons… learn them as well.

"I still hold to the 28 [Fundamental Beliefs], but for the first time I wonder if I will be in the organization." That was a comment I saw in response to GC annual council. Last week's conference created a lot of conversation on social media and pretty much dominated the Adventist sections of my Facebook newsfeed and Twitter timeline. At first I joined in on the jokes about Adventist cosplay but as the worship services and business sessions continued, the tweets, posts, and comments I saw began to change. The light comments about the "Adventist Halloween" became serious concerns about the current state of Adventism. By the end of the first official day of business sessions, the vote on the compliance document had passed and the tone on social media had taken a drastic turn. I saw a lot of hurt, disappointment, frustration, and even anger. Whether leaders and delegates knew it or not, quite a lot of people were paying attention and for many, this was a point of no return. Let's be real. Overemphasizing the past- to the point of dressing up in 19th century clothing- while in the same breath, decrying modern social justice movements is simply not a good look for a church that struggles to be relevant. Preaching multiculturalism but having a once size fits all approach to worship, methods, and practice is problematic for a global institution. And those issues barely begin to scratch the surface of how young Adventists have responded to the events of annual council. I have seen so many people for the first time in their lives question why they are Adventist. Others have openly expressed that while they no longer feel comfortable identifying with this church, they don't know where else to go. Some are fueling their anger to action and have vowed to fight for the church they love. And there are those who have made different decision. They are leaving Adventism and won't be looking back. No matter what "side" you are on, it seems as if this year's annual council has left us more divided than ever and has triggered an unintended consequence. Something that I would argue is even more dangerous. A crisis of faith. For the first time, perhaps ever, thousands of young (and not so young) Adventists are being forced to define their spiritual identity, what they believe, and where they stand. I think that is a good thing. It will force us to be real- with each other and with ourselves. And that is what we need if we are serious about being affective and sharing the love of God in a 21st century world- real and authentic faith. To those who have chosen and will choose to walk away, I know you have not made this decision lightly. Do not let anyone make you feel guilty for it. Your spiritual walk is not bound to or defined by Adventism. To those who will stay and dedicate their time and talents to local ministry, thank you. Local church ministry is what is needed the most right now and is ultimately how we will reach the world. To those who have decided to remain in their leadership roles and speak truth to power as we enter this new world of compliance, never stop raising your voice. And to those who are heartbroken, angry, confused, and have no idea what to do now, I see you. I hear you. I've been there. I understand. God will give the answers you are looking for and wisdom as you navigate how to move forward. This is a tough moment for the world church and there are a lot more questions than answers. But maybe this needed to happen. Perhaps we need to be ripped apart, shaken up, and sifted in order to achieve the unity that we all desire and the unity Jesus prayed we would have.

In the last two years I have noticed an uncomfortable change in humanity through the research mechanism I call my Twitter feed: our politics is becoming our religion. I have identified as a republican up until #45 barrel rolled my party. While my vote was highly personal, I never once questioned the heart of someone who voted differently than me. My best friend has been a die-hard democrat her entire life, and while I disagreed with her ideas on abortion, I never once felt like we couldn’t be friends over it. It was her political leaning and while that may have informed how she saw the world, I never thought it was what made her who she was. That’s changed now, and so has my political affiliations. While I would categorize myself as an independent, I am growing extremely uncomfortable with how deeply politics is becoming embedded in who we are. We can’t see past party lines anymore. We can’t talk about basic human decency without seeing red and blue and I think we should all be uncomfortable with that. While scientists like Richard Dawkins argue that religion is the enemy, much of history would say he is wrong. Besides the fact that studies in fields like neuroscience talk endlessly of the positive effect’s religion has had on the brain, it seems disingenuous to not acknowledge the tens of millions of people who have been killed by antireligious regimes throughout history (more so than those representing an authoritarian God). Mother Theresa, Martin Luther King, Dalai Lama are just a few examples of people who have deeply impacted our world for the better, and also were highly religious. I recently read an interview with Robert Pape, a professor whose been studying suicide attacks since the 1980’s. While in the West we hear words like “Muslim” and immediately clutch our pearls, the reality of Islam is far different than what the news networks portray. Pape says in his interview with Ray Suarez, “I’ve studied 462 suicide terrorists from around the world since 1980 who actually completed the mission. Over half are secular.” While discussing the motives behind these atrocities so many of us incorrectly link it to religion. Pape says, “instead of religion, what over 95% of suicide terrorist attacks since 1980, all around the world have in common, is a specific strategic goal, to compel modern democracies to withdraw combat forces from territory the terrorists prize greatly.” The idea within these missions is that if they can show you how committed they are to this objective, committed enough to die, then that should evoke fear. Most of these suicide bombers are motivated by politics, not religion. For years I have read academic articles and books that paint a broad brush on religion as being the enemy, but it’s not. What is far scarier than religion, which neuroscience has actually found causes the majority of human brains to suppress anger and fear responses, is politics, which often exasperates it. In the book, How God Changes the Brain, they found that “religious and spiritual contemplation changes your brain...because it strengthens a unique neural circuit that specifically enhances social awareness and empathy while subduing destructive feelings and emotions.” In fact, a recent article  on research done at Harvard, it was found that faith improves mental health. By the age of 20 those raised with religious practices were 18% happier, 30% more likely to help others, and 33% less likely to engage in substance abuse. Those who prayed daily, had the strongest benefits in the study. So no, religion is not the enemy no matter how many people have an axe to grind. What can be dangerous though, is when we put our faith into politics. When we swear by the party over the gospel. When we can no longer follow Jesus’s command to love our neighbor, because they have a “MAGA” detail. The second we stop seeing human beings, no matter their politics, as children of God worth our energy, we lose our own right to call ourselves Christians. Religion is not the enemy, but when our politics replace our faith, we’ve bowed down to Babylon. Dr. Heather Thompson Day is an Associate Professor of Communication at Andrews University. She is the author of five Christian books, including “Life After Eden,” and writer for The Spilled Milk Club. You can follow her on Twitter or instagram.

As you begin reading the words below, I’m going to ask you to join me in doing something very difficult: let’s leave our political baggage at the door. We all have our biases that are hard to shake off, but I’m hoping we can engage in this conversation not as members of political parties but as members of the human race. And, if you’re here as a Christian, as a member of the Kingdom of God. ----------------------------- There’s been a lot of talk about fear lately surrounding the #MeToo movement, and there seem to be two competing concerns: fear (particularly by women) of being sexually harassed or assaultedfear (particularly by men) of being falsely accused of sexual harassment or assault With a growing list of celebrities, politicians, and pastors (yes, #ChurchToo) being accused of sexual misconduct, some have suggested that this is actually a very scary time to be a man. In fact, recent polls have reflected this concern. One survey regarding the impact of the #MeToo movement indicated that 31% of Americans think “women falsely claiming sexual harassment/assault” is a major problem. Another poll showed that the majority (57%) of people are equally concerned about those who could be falsely accused as they are those who could be assaulted; 17% were more concerned for women, while 15% were more concerned for men. Is it indeed a scary time for men? Is it equally as likely that men be falsely accused as that women could be sexually assaulted? (Although not the focus of this article, men are also victims of sexual assault, and are more likely to be raped than to be falsely accused of rape) What impact is the #MeToo movement having on our world and in our churches? As these questions intersect with our faith, how can we respond in a way that reflects our desire to embody Christ’s love? Let's look at the numbers. Many of you have probably seen this viral graphic: I read about the numbers it represents and the critiques here and here, as well as researching other data and information. To the best of my ability, leaning towards the most optimistic assessment of all the numbers here is what I found: The percentage of unreported rapes is between 54-90%.Out of 100 reported rapes, on average:30 face trial15 are jailed7 are false accusations This means even if the #MeToo movement really does increase the chance of false accusations - even if it doubles -  it would still be less than the number of reported cases where the rapist goes to jail. And that is still comparing mere accusations to actual jail time. In order for false accusations to turn into a comparable number of false imprisonments, there would have to be at least eight times as many false reports! This is deeply troubling to me. Even more troubling is that in spite of these numbers, we’re still talking about being equally or more concerned that men will be falsely accused than that women will be raped. We’re wondering if the good we’re gaining for women from #MeToo might not be worth the bad potentially caused to men by it. As a result of this fear of a possible increase in false accusations, we (especially men) are trying to draw a limiting line rather than extend a compassionate hand. As a whole, we are a society of men more willing to allow women to be raped and to suffer without justice than to run the fractionally small risk that we might possibly be falsely accused. If that is what it means to be a man, it truly is a scary time. To be clear, there are a few things that I am definitely not saying. I’m not saying that false accusations aren’t moral and legal crimes. False accusations can and do destroy lives. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t follow due process or be thorough in investigations of these matters. On the contrary, we should be doing all we can to ensure justice is done. However, we do not live in a culture of such justice. We have created a culture where most rapes are never reported, which shouldn’t be surprising, given that even when rape survivors do report, they’re often faced with sexist and abusive practices of the police, as well as victim-blaming tactics within the court system. As long as a rape survivor can be discredited because of her sexual history, or what she was wearing, or how much she had to drink, we are in essence saying there are situations where men are free from personal responsibility and women can deserve to be raped. This is sickeningly unacceptable. There is much that needs to be done in the police and legal system to correct these wrongs. But before we can get there, we have to take a look at our own ways of thinking and ask how we might be fueling the horrific wrongs we see playing out on the streets and in the courtrooms. We have to create a culture in our homes, schools, neighborhoods, and churches where women feel safe and trusted to speak out about being sexually harassed and assaulted without facing victim-blaming and perpetrator-excusing responses. I want to specifically address men for a moment. It is easy for us to say (and even truly believe) that we are against rape, but too often our actions and our voices are used to create an environment where rape culture prevails. A prominent example of this is claiming the fear of increased false accusations as a result of the #MeToo movement. In doing so we, directly and indirectly, silence those survivors who could be reporting real rapists. No one wants more false accusations. There is a possibility, however, that in encouraging a culture where more women are safe to report real cases, chances of false ones may also increase. As men, and especially as Christian men, I feel this is a chance we must be willing to take. The risk of increased false accusations is infinitesimally small compared to the potential protection and prevention we could provide to society. To shrink back for fear of possible harm to ourselves (whether personally or socially) and stand by while others suffer as a result is not something we can continue to do if we truly hope to embody the life of self-sacrificing love Jesus calls us to live. I believe that you, just like me, want to live more like Jesus. When I ask myself what Jesus would do, I don’t have to look far before I find powerful statements from those who knew him best, like “Be quick to listen and slow to speak” (James 1:19) and a call to love “just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). Jesus could have used his position to his own advantage, but instead, he used his privilege to uplift those who were abused in society, including empowering women in healthy, life-giving ways. Furthermore, he used his privilege to humbly take the role of a sacrificial servant, “becoming obedient to death - even death on a cross!” (Philippians 2:6-8). His death, interestingly, came as a result of false accusations. Instead of arguing about the unfairness of his situation, he gladly took those accusations (and more) upon himself for the greater good of those who suffer unjustly and (amazingly!) also for those who cause suffering. I want to love like that. I want to be willing to lay down my life (or my perspectives or my reputation or my security) in order to love others better. I pray you will join me in continuing to learn and understand how we can better relate to those who see the world through a different lens, how we can love our enemies, and how we can uplift and empower the oppressed in our world with the love of Jesus.

Have you ever had to do something you honestly didn’t want to? What lengths would take to avoid it? Would you find every excuse you could think of? Run away and hide? Resort to violence? In Jesus’ prayer in the garden of Gethsemane he asked God to take the “cup” away. The cup was a symbol of pain, suffering, and the wrath of God. Jesus was overwhelmed by what He knew was to come and desperate to find another way to fulfill his mission on earth. Jesus’ prayer ends with a concession to His Father, “may Your will be done.” We will all have times when we find ourselves in situations that we wish we could avoid. Times of hardship, distress, and sheer discomfort, sometimes the result of our own doing. In those moments we’ll have to choose whether we fight, flight, or drink the cup. Moses had every excuse in the book when he met God at the burning bush. He wanted to avoid returning to Egypt and confronting Pharaoh at all costs. Even after the Israelites had been delivered from slavery, Moses questioned God almost every step of the way to the Promised Land which ultimately caused him to never make it there. Quite a bitter cup to drink.

While growing up as a child, it seemed that family reunions on my mother’s side always had Uncle M at the center. Either we would meet at his house, or he would bring everyone together. If he was relaxed, he could be found in his white tanktop grilling food outside. If the occasion called for more, he could be found in a bush jacket. His black kinky hair was always in a manicured mini afro. There we were. All of the family gathered together for Uncle M’s 70th birthday. His daughters were no longer lanky teenagers, but elegant women with their husbands and young children at their sides. His wife of 40 years sat at his side like a queen. Brothers, sisters, and friends stood and shared cherished memories. Uncle M is a beloved man. Someone who would give the little food he had to others who needed it more. He would work to help his mother care for his siblings. But it was the stories of how he put his family first which caught my attention. You won’t hear about my Uncle M, because he wasn’t famous. He might have been, but he refused those positions because they would take him away from his family for too long. I sat him down to glean some wisdom about leading a successful marital relationship. We started our interview with the story of how he met my aunt. He noticed her when she came from Cuba to attended college in his home island of Jamaica. Her incredible dexterity with piano sparked an interest in him to get to know her better. In spite of the English-Spanish language barrier, they were able to communicate. Sometimes, the most curious things seal the deal. Simple things like a bird. A romance blossomed between the two of them and he asked her to be his girlfriend. But she made it clear that he ought to speak to her father about the matter. After much prayer, he asked God for a sign. He asked God to let him catch a bird and put it in my aunt’s hands. My aunt had never held a bird. If he could catch a bird and let her hold it, he would know that she was his future wife. What Tips Would You Give On How To Pursue A Girl? Pray. Know yourself. “It has to be a matter of prayer, you know. Because a life partnership is a serious thing. It really could either create havoc in your life, or create a blessing. You have to pray to the Lord, and be open for the Lord to guide you so that if this is not the person for you, then it doesn’t happen. And if it is the person, then the Lord will make it happen. And that you will have a mutual commitment with each other to make the relationship work. Prayer is the first thing. And you must know what you want out of life in terms of the values that you have. What are the things that are nonnegotiable? What are the things which you are going to say, ‘If this is so, I am not going to go through with this relationship.’ I had several of them: 1) A person had to be a good Christian. A “good soil” Christian. 2) I wanted somebody who had a good family life too. And I had known her Dad for sometime because he was the one who baptized me. I knew that he was a Christian man. I wanted someone coming from a Christian family. So that’s important. 3) And for me, I wanted someone who was a virgin. Someone who didn’t sleep around with men and have loose relationships. Because I personally didn’t do that. I kept myself, so I wanted someone who was a virgin. And this was a nonnegotiable for me. If she had told me that she had had a boyfriend and they slept together, I would have just called off the relationship. I wouldn’t have anything to do with it because that’s one of those things which I am not going to compromise. Also, love is a thing of a moment, but it’s really a thing of a life time. You don’t love as much as you want to at first sight. Love is a thing that grows. It not a dead thing.” What’s The Best Way To Handle Conflict? There are two sides to every story. “Conflict is an interesting thing, because conflict is inevitable. Two people are always going to have points that they don’t agree on. And that’s where conflicts come in, but you don’t have to fight. The way you want to handle conflict is to be open and honest with each other and use the gift of communication. And as someone said, “Try to see from the other person’s perspective.” Not just from your perspective. And if you can put yourself in the other person’s place to see the subject, you are more than likely to be reasonable in managing conflict. There has to be compromise. It has to be a win-win. One person can’t say that they are all wrong and they are all right. It’s not going to work. The way that the human mind works is that we like something to feel as though we have also won. And even if the person who is totally wrong is managing a conflict, the person that is in the right must be humble and not rub it in. This is so that the other person doesn’t feel put down or that they are being attacked in the communication. In conflict, make compromises so there can be peace.” Can You Give An Example? “In marriage there are differences of opinion, and differences of opinion create conflict. For instance, I am a person of time. If I tell you 4 o’ clock, then I mean it. I don’t mean 4:05 or 4:10. If my wife tells you four o’ clock. It might mean 4:30 or quarter to five. We have conflicts over that and we have had to compromise to say “step it up.” The important thing is that you acknowledge what is right, and adjust to it. It is right to be on time for activities. You can’t say it is wrong. The thing starts at 4:15, but okay. It is right. It took her a degree of humility to say it is the right thing. If it is four o’ clock. It is four o’ clock. So, acknowledge what is right and adjust to it. It is not always easy. When some people have to make the adjustment to what the other person wants, to them it is a sign of failure. It is not a sign failure. It is a sign of maturity that you are willing to acknowledge when you are wrong, and that you need to make the adjustment.” How Do You Deal With Her As She Makes The Adjustment? Patience is a virtue. Give praise. Don’t take for granted. “We all like to be praised and acknowledged when we have done good. And when the desired thing happens, one shouldn’t be silent about it. Understand that’s what you are supposed to do. Verbally praise. For example, ‘Thank you, honey. I makes me feel good when we are on time for church.’ [You don’t want to] nag and put down when it doesn’t happen. You’ve got to give things time to be worked out. So long as someone is not proud whereby if you say, “right,” they are going to say “left,”or if you say, “black,” they are going to say, “white.” So long as that level of pride isn’t there, they will make the adjustments. Sometimes slow, but they will eventually get to the desired decision.” Who Should You Focus Most On In The Family The Wife Or The Kids? God. Spouse. Kids. There’s no other effective order. “In a marital relationship, the kids are not the most important; the husband and wife are. The order is love to God, love for each other and then love for the children. If the children are equated with the husband and wife, the relationship is going to fall apart. So, there’s no compromise as far as that is concerned. Some people pay so much attention to their kids and ignored their spouses that their spouses go away and left [sic]. Because they feel that they are not important anymore and that someone else has taken their place. And all marriage counselors will tell you that your love for God, your love for one another, and your love for the children must be in that order. If you try to mix them together or put the children above your spouse it is going to create a rift and a break in the family.” I Notice That You Put A Lot Of Emphasis In Spending Time With Your Family—Even Over Job Obligations. For children there is no “quality time” “Children know quantity of time. They don’t know so much [about] quality time. Some people say ‘well it’s quality time.’ No, fifteen minutes is not quality time with your child. They measure that by the amount of time you spend with them. One must make a conscious effort to spend time because that’s how you develop relationships and trust and mutual affection. It’s not in little bits of time here and there. Consistently be with each other and support each other. So, quantity time is just as important as quality time.” How Did Those Principles Apply To Your Marital Relationship? Look at after your family’s holistic health and well-being first. “I made sure that I was available. There were many times that I could have been gone to do the things that I like, but I made sure that I was available. I had job opportunities that I turned down because it would take me away from her too many days or too many hours out of the month. And I said, ‘You know what? No. I prefer to have the time with my wife and my children and build relationships that way because I could easily lose them if I just were on the road all the time looking at other people’s business while my business at home was not being looked after.’ So, I intentionally made the time to spend with my wife and my children.” What Are The Little Ways That You Can Make Time Quality Time? Togetherness. “Doing things together. Talking with each other. Reading a book with each other. Worshiping with each other. But doing things together. At home share the responsibilities and not you this and I do this, but we can do these things together. If we are washing dishes one could wash and one could dry. If we are cooking, one is there helping the other. Or both helping each other to make it happen. So doing things together.” Any Other Words Of Advice? Focus on the positive, strengthen the weaknesses, and celebrate individuality. “Well, you know in relationships we mentioned earlier that you will always have conflicts, but the key counsel is find out what is working and do that. Don’t focus on the negatives. If you focus on the negatives they are just going to grow. That’s human nature. Your eyes are going to be seeing the negatives all the time. You have to find out what is working and grow that. And intentionally work on that. And that will help to minimize the negatives. So, don’t focus your time on the weaknesses of each other. What they didn’t do or what didn’t accomplish. Focus on what they did. And on the strengths. Those really help to minimize the weakness that there are because we all have weakness. We all have an up side and a downside. As a matter of fact, our body is a mixture of handicaps. The eye can’t feel and the mouth can’t feel.  So, the mouth is handicap because he can’t see and the nose is handicap because he can’t hear, but they all have to work together. We all have to acknowledge that we are not all good at every thing and that the person we are working with in a relationship has handicaps. So we accept each other for who we are. And not try to make someone into you. Because that is where relationship breakdown we resist it as human being when we find out that someone is trying to remake us into their image. You just don’t want that. Individuality is important that that must be respected. The person is in their own individual to make their own choices and make their own plans and so forth. And we must not infringe upon that individuality.”